Whether accidentally or by pure destiny, I woke up today at 4.30 am, as usual ahead of my alarm. And as usual, Ali awoke, both of us squinting to check the time, then both reaching out for a hug. After a few seconds, we parted ways, me to whudhu and him, back to sleep.
My first thoughts always, "Ya Allah, forgive me, my husband, my children, my parents, my whole family, everyone. Ya Allah, forgive us, Ya Allah, never enough devotion to You, never up to any good, but always hopeful, Ya Allah, Ya Allah...".
In those crucial first thoughts, out of regularity, the momentum could backfire and I'd find myself sometimes, lying down again, "... forgive, Ya Alllah, never enough devotion to You, never up to any good... sleepy, Ya Allah...too sleepy... Forgive..." Then, that's that; gone in a negligent thought. Both Ali and me would awake in a start, "6.30! Ya Allah!" Then we'd be wide awake rushing for toilet and solat. I would then be full of regret and shame for daring to aspire for Paradise or the title of Mukmin or a true Devotee Well-Pleased by Allah and with Allah. The futility of being a negligent devotee as well as an idealist or perfectionist make one self-deprecating and pessimistic. So I hope at least to make the best of the situation as I am paradoxically hopeful too.
If I slept right, on the other hand, I'd wake up right, with my first thoughts leading to the next, more pro-active mullings like," Ya Allah, haven't done that last single witr, Ya Allah, need you so much in my life, Ya Allah, please Guide me, your much pathetic servant, your undeserving, ever-negligent devotee, please, Ya Allah Guide me..." Then, miracle of miracles, I'd actually find myself standing and wanting to wash and brush my teeth and so forth.
Being the very practical girl, I'd account for the workable factors leading to the second scenario. Somehow the formula isn't 100% feasible as the top of the list is discipline, which is very hard to come by. Where does anyone get this thing, anyway? It's almost as elusive as a regimented lifestyle, which requires a dictator-like leadership for any type of discipline to manifest itself. And being practical and a wife to a very easy-going, generous and self-indulgent husband, my only option is placing Allah as my one and only dictator. He is just as elusive as the quality of discipline required, but putting two and two together, whatever that expression means, as it equals four, I guess it makes absolute sense to say, that Allah, my dictator, is my ultimate source of discipline. I'm sure it befits Allah and pleases Him to be everyone's dictator, by the nature of Him being God Almighty and all. So, being very pleased with myself for having solved the biggest mystery of success, I decided to take this solution and turn my life around, also noting happily that this being the season of hijrah, this, what's that p word, this p....... Enlightenment, is so aptly timed. (Epiphany, actually... close enough)
Then again, it's not that simple. Haven't I been there and done that? It's the same invisible carrot-stick issue of my life. I'd still be on my own devices, especially brain power, which I have very little confidence in, being a very practical girl who knows her limitations well. What is that which we call concentration power or the ability to focus? Where does anyone get that anyway? It most certainly is not evident in most of my pupils and they have more brain cells than me, for I am much older, much much older. I might be falling into a philosophical trap now if I go into the ghost in the machine debate.
So maybe my capacity to focus has no link whatsover to how much brain cells I have. So maybe I actually can do anything I put my mind to. Well, looks like I have found the second solution to the mystery of success: my brains, my will-power or if you prefer, self-motivation. This means I'm nowhere beyond square one with my first problem of how to get started, as it has become a chicken or the egg issue now or worse, the usual hits and misses cycle of my life.
I said that the carrot-stick I want is invisible. It is to be able to accomplish what is right upon the first will to do it and sticking by, no matter what happens and reaping the outcomes, whatever they may be. Being very practical and all, why would I want a visible carrot-stick seeing the futility of the way of getting it? For that matter, in case you are wondering, how do I know there is an invisible carrot at the end of an invisible stick in the first place? Yes, pardon the limitations of the poor English expression, or my poor English.
Obviously, I am nearer facing death, and actually, not dying from any physical afflictions but from the torture of an inescapable fate of being in that moment between the last breath and what comes after that. Whaat? That's how I'm inclined to think about, so what else can I do? Yes, I have thought about why not any other preoccupations, but being a very practical girl, I decided to make the best of it, so there. Are there any better ideas? No, I am not interested in big visible carrots lying around for easy picking, since I'm on the topic, as they are what they are- mere material things that whether nourishing or not, will end up in the sewers or separated from you. So if I wanted to live for the moment, I'd rather live for that moment when I am subjected to such an unknown, vulnerable and lonely existence.
Furthermore, since I am a very practical girl, woman, old woman, I would have thought of the best possible choices life has to offer. So to cut it short, I have decided that the best can never come from me, nor people, nor much less material things. So having the misfortune of being highly idealistic on top of being practical, I have concluded not to rely on myself, people or material things for satisfaction or success, which equal, I think based on observations, happiness.
Am I happy? Yes, very much so. Perhaps too happy for comfort. Is that even logical? Yes, that is not a self-contradicting statement. I am so happy that seeing other people suffer makes me unhappy, or maybe irked. That needs more analysis, but not here.
Let us just leave it as that. Im happy only when a state of utopia exists, and I know it will not happen anywhere while I am alive or as long as people live, which is what I meant by "..too happy for comfort". However, being a devotee requires one to be happy in whatever circumstance. I guess the right definition of happiness will put everything into perspective. Is being happy the objective of life? I hope everyone assumes, as I do that to live means to have and to serve a purpose. The problem with us is we have a record for either having too many purposes or a lack of it and worse, denying the need for purpose.
For matters to be less complicating, seek out the most obvious truth. The easiest position to be is that of a minimalist devotee. As an individual thinker, I've realised from day one the most obvious fact- that I am in constant need of some thing or other; necessities for a sane existence like air, water and answers. Notice that my existence has to be sane, because existence alone may not matter at all without the pre-requisite of meaning and purpose which only a sane existence can verify. So clearly, insane and lesser idiots are not subjected to serving any particular purpose besides fulfilling their instinctive existence, as they are devoid of this necessary veryfying faculty. However, to digress a little, for the rest who are thinkers, the existence of these special individuals really matter, just as any equation in the universe does.
Of course claiming to be a devotee, even a minimalist one, I assume that every equation matters. I do not need to prove the existence of the Devoted Being, whether yours is a Madonna or a pink elephant or mine being Allah. The fact that I am part of an equation logically proves the Existence of the Devoted. First of all, there is the business of all these equations staring at you from the moment of existence. Who can escape being a child of a mother, or being small before growing bigger or hungry if not full?
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