Teaching is not a career but a calling

Another half a year done and yet another half more to go. That's how I've set the pace of my life, bit by bit, as and when I can take it, I do it. I can't seem to do any better than that. What does that make me, non-commital? Whatever. I don't mind. I know I'm different and this is the best i can give of myself.

To me, work is a necessity whenever money and a sense of self-worth are needed. I go out at a time my money runs out and show the world what good work I'm capable of. Before I run dry of my work capacities, I step down and rewind with my savings in hand. I'm satisfied that I'v my own savings and disposable income and yet still able to give back to society, well mostly 1st half of the year anyway. The rest of it, the second half, is mine, for me to reflect, to rejuvenate, reaccess my life and make more plans if necessary. I used to wonder why I prefer this to long-term work commitments. All I can say is that I'm happier this way as I remember how I fizzled away pushing myself to breakdowns when I started out full-time. Now, I keep looking forward to teaching everytime and that enthusiasm helps me. It might just meet with bitter responses from other teachers in the school i go to, seeing me smile so much I mean. I got envious comments and vibes before which made me cry. But I'm used to it. So when it's nearing the end of the teaching stint, I'll always look forward to my sewing and baking projects, longer prayers, reading and writing sessions. I'm so grateful I'm able to do this since my husband is so supportive and pampers me so.

I can safely say, I want nothing more from this world. I wish to help put the wrongs right, but I doubt I can do any better than praying hard for change. Looking at the playing field, I just feel so tired with all the tried and tested ways of the best of the best out there. My heart goes out to the youth and struggling individuals thrown into the spots and paths they are in. I was lucky to be thrown into an array of delectable and comfortable choices from which I've chosen my path.

How do you stop others from making wrong choices and taking up false pursuits? If no one envies the way u live and you have no authority, then on the surface you have no impact or influence on others at all. But funny thing is, even when some people see how right, right is, the first thing they do is deny and make an about-turn or worse, throw dirt into it to make it look dirty.. well it depends really on the wherebouts and when this particular good is denied, who, especially who the do-gooder is.. for me, the do-gooder must have direct relations with the less-inclined for it to matter. Say, if a stranger totally throws off some do-gooder, well it's his right and that do-gooder should mind his own business. Still, I believe that the do-gooder's effort will never go wasted, even if it seems wasted then. Someday, somehow, it will come round as with everything else. There is nothing conjured that disappears into nothingness. That's why disappearing acts are nothing but illusions. With physics and the laws of nature, nothing escapes the cycle of existence, and we're not going into the meaning of reincarnation here.

But for one to be effective in stopping others or making others do things right, one needs to be directly linked to them, either through kinship, jurisdiction, friendship and of course it helps if you're their mother, teacher or counsellor. Even then, not only is it effective, it is imperative that this link between the one with effective power to change others, to be realised and made equipped to actually make the change. That's why I believe the world will not change unless everyone in his own jurisdiction, take charge to empower themselves to bring about that necessary change that he alone has the means to do or directly is able to affect that change. It seems easier said than done, but no one can do it alone and it can't be done overnight. So here I am spouting my philosophies as if the world cares, disguised as some kind of teaching expert when I'm as flawed and weak as the next regular guy. But sincerely speaking, I've seen the stuff of life that all seasoned mothers have seen and understood. One important lesson all mothers will want to share is that always pick up your own mess before you can point other peoples' mess to them, or at least pick yours up as you point, then you'll look pretty convincing. Then you start from there suggesting ways to organise their life better. It helps if you have fantastic credentials and abilities so people know you know what you're about and look up to you. So it's really sad if you see bright and lucky people go the wrong way and you can't do anything because they're beyond your jurisdiction. Will you find a way to get in or walk away cos they're not your problem? Or maybe we should all take action, like start with a prayer for good change, smile and take it from there bit by bit. But first, we must care. Caring is one thing everyone can overdo right? Not in physical but more spiritual or mental or more like a thought. I don't believe anyone can claim abuse from over-caring unless the actions of the care-giver actually translated into physical or mental abuse. What I meant by overdoing caring to the point of harmlessness and even good is to constantly think for the good of others more than yourself. More on this soon..

26 February 2010, Mom's n Beloved Prophet's B'day

My mom turned 69 on this special day, 12 Rabiulawal, on top of it being a Friday, a day of blessings, insyaAllah. To me, a day is a day, whether it being blessed or not depends on your actions on that particular day. I want to be blessed everyday of my existence so I should feel special if I know I've done something to deserve that. And nothing else, no birthdays nor anniversaries or festive day can matter to me except I do special things to make it special. Yes I believe special days call for special attention, but sadly, I observe that most people stop there. Other days matter too, don't they? I prefer to do the same special things every day so every day becomes special. Special means attended to with the utmost care and not different from the rest. Like to some people, "special people" means they have disabilities and stand out like a sore thumb. They are special because they require the utmost care and specified attention from care-givers. Every day.
However, Allah knows us better and provides us with specific days in the year for us to do special things. Now these are truly special days and occasions that call for our specific observations, like hajj. Through the prophet's practices, we learn what to observe and what to avoid. It was clear that he encouraged regularity in good observances every day to the point that in Ramadhan, the blessed night of a thousand months was not revealed. Through Allah's mercy He consoles us with the fact that it is better for us to do a little good every day rather than much in one day and none in the rest.
So I did visit Mom and joined my sisters at our regular Friday evening meetings. I did not give her a b'day present though not on the basis of this principle, but due to my usual failings, lack of time and resources. It suits the occasion. No one should go all out to observe something the prophet himself did not. On the other hand, I'd rather give her something because I want to and have the means to not when I'm expected to. However, Allah expects me to please my parents, and i so want to please Him. So on most occasions I do please my parents on account of Allah and I believe this type of sincerity is the best and easiest workable, everyday observance of all.

New home

Two years on from the time we applied for Australian PR. There's been no news from them so instead of heading there, we headed off to Chua Chu Kang. It's a quieter place except for the occasional rumbling of the mrt trains. I love the different noises n smells. Back in Teban it was intolerable Malay live band almost every weekend at the multi-purpose hall and the mindless banging and clanging of the installed percussions at the playground. I still cannot understand the rationale behind this particular fixture. Every other fitness equipment and recreation fixtures have been vandalised anyway, including the newly installed step-up fixture. Perhaps the authorities wanted to provide the children with an outlet to knock and bang away on things other than public property that cannot take such onslaught. Well, I leave the puzzle to the residents of Teban. May they attain the peace of mind that comes from reason as well as the sensations that make up living in their neighbourhood. Otherwise, I pray their tolerance levels stay high. My sympathies to the latter.
As for me, it's the occasional evening trumpeter practising familiar tunes, dogs barking at night and the mrt sounds which are more acceptable as they lend a feeling of drive and purpose in our new existence. The smells are pleasanter too, that of detergent n freshly laundered clothes. It's the lack of conveniences I was so used to in Teban that I have to get used to now. With my trusty bike, I think I can. I'm feeling the firming of my thigh muscles already, so the inconveniences are actually 1 more good. I'm pressured to be a good neighbour too as the ones i meet are friendlier as they smile and greet you. I can't forget the ugly muslims I face back in Teban. One lady stood out because she kept pretending I'm invisible or at least she tried by frowning so hard her young pretty face looked older than my own old and ugly one. Maybe she is just mental, so being handicapped, is excused. Why can't i forget her? Well, for one, it's because I try to rationalise her actions so much. One time, her kindy son threw up in the lift on my corner despite me trying to run into the furthest n safest spot there. All she did was frown harder and inched her son and herself away from the vomit and hurried out as if I offended her or something. I still believe it's really about me and how I should improve on my social graces and LEARN from others. Teban, teban.. I should actually miss the place. There's really so much more to learn and I've lots to thank Teban for. I practically grew up there and what I am is very much a result of that environment too.